I’ve heard a number of lines in my day:
“Your daddy must’ve been a thief cause he stole the stars out of the sky and put them into your eyes!”
“That’s a nice dress, it would look great on my floor”
“Excuse me, miss, would you like to come upstairs and check out my fishtank?”*
…etc. They’re all pretty stupid and never worked on me. But on Saturday I heard one that took the cake.
I’d arranged to meet my friends Ken and Suzie at a bar in Burlingame on Saturday night. A couple of their friends are in a metal band called Caustic Velocity. We planned to meet at the club at 9:00.
I was a bit early arriving so I got out of my truck and walked toward the bar. As I walked in, two men were walking out. One looked at me and said “Wow.”
I ignored him and entered the club’s foyer. Ken and Suzie weren’t there yet, and I didn’t feel comfortable staying there without a guardian, so I ventured outside again.
The two men were still there, talking. I announced my plan to hang out and wait for my friends. The men finished their conversation and the one who said “wow” turned to me.
“Sooooo. What’s your name?” he asked.
“Well, mine’s Lee, and, hypothetically speaking, if we got married, we could have the same monogram on our towels. And this is important, because I was on this game show once and won like 600 monogrammed towels. So this way we wouldn’t have to change them. And then, hypothetically speaking, if we got divorced, you could keep the towels, because what’s mine is yours, and what’s yours is yours.”
He took a breath and I stood there, stunned. Right at that moment some other guy came out to talk to Lee, so I hightailed it back to the parking lot, got in my truck, locked the doors and called my friend Ted on my cell phone to kill time until Ken and Suzie arrived.
Postscript: Later that night, Suzie and I went to the bathroom. I got into the stall and looked at the poster on the inside of the door. It was a flyer for a band coming soon to the club. Whose club? Lee’s club.
*Thanks to Charley for these lovely examples!