stuff I wrote, found just now on my desk

“Better the slowest runner than the fastest walker.”

“Llamas and gourd art”

“Men don't appreciate women who call them on their shit.”


“Hire Motormouth, for


brilliantly beautified

: Web/SEO Results

: Plan Formulation

: Organic Marketing & PR

No job too small — Reasonable rates”


Stupid doesn't pay. It gets paid.

Which could be considered cool by stupid people still mulling my first point, which is: Stupid doesn't pay.

'If I'm stupid, I don't have to pay. I get in free! And, I get paid. Yuh huh!” she said (point away from self).

The thing is, stupid people make us pay: Climate change. Octuplets. Anti-blowgun laws. They're stupid. But we pay.

So really, I'm wondering: Who's stupid? Who's the stupid one? Because I thought it was that guy, but apparently, he's got me paying his tab.


I don't want to pay for him. I don't want to buy hipwaders, or anti-blowdart toxin, or sharpie pens so he can make Obama look like a Hawaiian/African-American Hitler. But I see these people on TV, on YouTube, on Twit — uh, that's Twitter to y'all — and then I see a commercial and I realize that they think I'm stupid, too.

Like Brooke Shields. I wanted to like you, Brooke, with your quirky unapproachability and your thighs that don't meet at the top, but now, but NOW, Brookie, you're hawking prescription medication that makes eyelashes grow faster.


Now, it's my belief that if a scientist can isolate the gene, or stimulate the follicle that adds an extra eighth of a millimeter to my undergrown eyelid fringe, couldn't that scientist, or those scientists, maybe have a shot at isolating the gene, or stimulating nerve that inhibits cancer growth? Shouldn't those scientists feel a little ashamed of themselves, a little underwhelmed with their career path, a little, dare I say it, ashamed?

(And how much do those pills cost, anyway? Are they covered under single payer?)

Ultimately, the scariest part is that stupid people know how to breed. Sarah Palin's got five kids and a grandkid already. Hell, Octomom didn't even have a boyfriend — apparently, in a pinch, a stupid-ass hyperfertility doctor will do.

Can't we send these people to school, instead? My dad, himself not a dummy, always says “time spent pursuing education is never wasted.” College costs money, but in the long run, doesn't it better benefit one's immediate and outlying community?

Plus, then, stupid genes might start hooking up with smarter genes, allowing patterns of dullness and density to be erased, or at least subverted.

I met my husband when we were co-panelists at a conference of graduate students for English, and our first-born was reciting the alphabet at 20 months. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Undent the circle of life.

Plus, as I said, college costs money. You gots to pay to play.

So pay up, dumbass.