Fifth time up

I've never tried this before but here's my NOT SAFE FOR WORK scriptnotes with post-mortems in parenthesis.

Opening Joke: I want to open a seafood restaurant called “Fishy.”

NSFW dirty jokes about Mr. Hugh Hefner and OTRs

(I told them the title after asking if they knew what NSFW meant, and one girl said “Not Safe For Work” into the mic for me. I asked if they liked my coat, that I was trying a new look, and the response was pretty positive. I asked if they could guess where my coat was from and [P. De Vries?] shouted, “Old Navy.” And I said,

“You’re right! Maybe that will be my thing. ‘Oh, yeah, she’s the one w/ Old Navy.’ I need some Navy jokes now.)

(Then I said that I’d written these pages last night and I was glad to be there. I read the title and then explained that there was a footnote because I’ve read a lot of David Foster Wallace, and if you’ve read even a little of DFW you’ve actually read a lot because that’s what reading him’s like, and that an OTR is an “on-topic related” and that's a real thing that I made up and you should tweet it so I can see it when I get a Twitter.)

I’m not saying Hugh Hefner is old and gets laid a lot, but his balls are retreads.

A retread, in case you’re from New York and don’t know, is a tire that was all used up but remanufactured in order to extend its useful service life.

Retreaded for an extended useful service life. Now, to me, that sounds like Hugh Hefner's balls.

Right on, Mr. Hefner. I believe every word of it.

I don't, however, know what Hef's balls look like in real life: never seen a picture or anything. Which is funny to me, because he publishes the *seminal* (ahem) magazine for naked-women peeping, and yet we’ve never seen his own goodies.

In the day and age of the sex tape of EVERYONE, where is Hugh Hefner's sex tape? What, there’s no videocameras in the Playboy Mansion?

The hilarious Nick Cårøn closed this joke with, “Hugh Hefner has tons of sex tapes; he’s just not IN any of them.”

Anyway, I demand equal play for equal wank. That’s got to be in Title IX, somewhere. (I asked, a few people in the audience knew Title IX enabled equal funding for men’s and women’s collegiate sports.)

Anyway, he was going to be married this weekend but now it looks like the wedding’s off. It’s too bad they couldn’t work it out, Hef and his twentysomething fiancée; you know, for the grandchildren’s sake. Hell, they’re not so different from one another… For instance, his brandy decanter is crystal and her name is Crystal. They enjoy long walks on the beach together: Crystal in her Shape-Ups, Hugh in his oxygen tent.

(Then I offered “Alternate Endings for this joke: Iron lung? Tanning bed? Pajama factory?” Pajama factory worked both with this crowd and my D&D adventuring party.)

They both have bald crotches: hers because she waxes, his because first it went gray and then all his pubes fell out. (When I wrote this joke I laughed so hard, I snorted. I made myself snort. Fucking awesome. So I told the audience, and they asked me to snort but I said I couldn’t do it on demand, that it was an organic thingy. )

This is merely to poke fun at a man who's had my respect for two decades. I'm a 20-year Playboy subscriber. (Told the young audience, “It’s OK to be pushing 40 because you can say you’ve been doing something for 20 years and when you started it wasn’t illegal) and there's a lot to be said for the magazine. Really. The longevity alone: December 1953 was issue one. That was 58 years ago. Some of you have great-grandmothers who are 58-years old. (I told the audience that after that sentence was a parentheses with “Holyoke?” therein and that got all the laughs whereas the great-grandmother part was met w/ crickets.)

Playboy publishes interviews, jokes, searing journalism. I read it for the pussy.

“Retreaded balls.” Funny. I don't think “retreaded cock” sounds as funny as balls. Maybe “prick.” What do you think? Are retreaded balls funnier than a retreaded cock would be? (Someone in the audience yelled, “Johnson!” I said, “Yeah, I’d use that, but my last name is Johnson and I wouldn’t want to seem self-aggrandizing”, which broke the place up and I snorted and they laughed even harder and someone (Matt Woodlawn?) yelled “there it is!”)

Retread. Look it up! If you really want to know about it, you can also retread stairs, which is strange to me because tires and stairs are very different shapes to be associated by the same action verb. For that matter, so are cocks. END of SET

third time's a charm

Despite tornadoes raging throughout Western Mass, I went to Bishop's Lounge to do my third-ever stand-up comedy set. I got there too early because I had a lot of material and needed to make an outline of what was going to go where. The sign-up sheet had 15 slots on it and I chose number 12, so that I could go on after people'd had enough booze but so I wouldn't have to follow anyone too funny (the funniest people sign up at the end). The audience was small (I blame the aforementioned tornadoes) so it was basically a whole lot of comedians and maybe five or six actual audience members. Tough room but we made it work.

A couple of interesting things arose last night:

1: Background: two Wednesdays ago, I met a woman who'd been kind of slandered in that day's newspaper — she managed a local restaurant. I was pretty outraged so I wrote a letter to the editor, which ran in that Saturday's paper. Then, about four days later, I went to that restaurant, and a few minutes after I sat down, a waitress approached me. “Are you the one who wrote that letter?” I said that I was, and she thanked me profusely. But I didn't know how she knew it was me until I saw her at Bishop's last night. After the comedy was over I talked to her. “Did you know I was the one who wrote the letter because you'd seen me do comedy here?” I asked. “Yes,” she said. Crazy!!!!

2: Even though there were plenty of available spots, nobody signed up to go on after me. Hmmm.

OK. As for my set, it went well. I had two friends in the audience, one of whom taped me until his batteries died. Here's the link for Lynn B. Johnson's June 1, 2011 tornado-day set. This is the first five minutes and it's actually pretty safe for work. The dirty stuff didn't come in until the end. So, except for some eff words, this video is pretty tame. Another comedian taped my whole set and I'll post that link when I have it.

I'm starting to think there's something to this, people…