Dear Anthony & Caroline of the ACLU,

On Nov 14, 2006, at 12:55 PM, Anthony & Caroline, ACLU wrote:

>…if President Bush has his way, the impact on all of our rights

>will be anything but lame.

Or, it will be TOTALLY lame. Whichever. Either way, we're probably screwed.

Sincerely yours,

Lynn

Today, I voted for Teddy Kennedy.

When you live in Massachusetts you vote for Ted Kennedy. It's the rule. I'm not joking. In all the talk of the governor's race (which 45 minutes after poll-closing has Patrick the Dem over Healey the Rep, doggystyle), I never once even HEARD that Kennedy's Senate seat was up for vote…uh, reapproval.

I turned Prep in fourth grade and Republican in sixth. I'd name every essay in P.J. O'Rourke's Republican Party Reptile, in order. I wrote-in the presidents I wanted — Jack Kemp the first time and E. Dole the second — but doggedly stuck to my party. I made campaign calls for Bruce Herschensohn. But now I'm so ashamed of my party, its So-Called Christians and the like that I hung my head and did the obvious: voted Kennedy

I voted as Democrat as one can possibly vote. I am now a New Englander, a Massachusettsian, a Masshole. Yet, even with all these descriptors, I don't know who I am anymore.

Oh yeah! I'm the bee-yotch whose funny new play, “Lindsay Lohan's Birkin,” is going to be the hit of Forbes Library Coolidge Room tomorrow night! Can I hear an A-men!

I want a church that supports its members first and above all others on this planet.

I want family and friends with no secrets and nothing but love and tenderness for one another.

I want one job that will pay me a living wage.

I want Rhythmball to be the next ThighMaster.

I want everyone who hasn't bought it yet to tell me why.

I want a little credit or just some grocery money for being a good mom to our genetic-jackpot kid.

I want the balls of the company that fired me when I was pregnant.

I want Monstro to stop getting jerked around by his school so he can write his dissertation already.

I want Monstro to stop having to work three jobs while also working on his Ph.D.

I want the good teachers to receive the recognition, both personal and financial, that they so richly deserve.

I want to be back on the West Coast.

I want Sherry Ann to start talking to me again.

I want people in the Pioneer Valley to learn how to fucking drive.

–LBJ

P.S. Happily, Julie has been praying for me since this past Tuesday, and that's a start. But the rest of you only have seventeen-and-a-half days. So get cracking. Please?

I am pleased as punch to announce that “Lindsay Lohan's Birkin” will be staged on November 8th as part of the first-ever public reading of works from the Northampton Playwright's Lab. Yay, me!!!! This means that I'm two-for-two in having submitted plays accepted for production. Maybe there's something to all this after all…

Anne Lamott says “coincidences are just God's way of working anonymously.” Well, baby's first birthday is Sunday, November 19th. The proposed sermon title for that day at my church? “Giving Thanks for Birth Pangs.”

In other news, this Sunday is Laity Sunday at my church — the laypeople are doing the entire service so our pastor can sit in a pew with his wife. And I get to preach the sermon. I'm both excited and terrified. I'm excitified!

Baby and Monstro have been to the ER twice in as many days. The first time because baby did a header out of his crib. No more keeping the crib rail down as I turn to dispose of a dirty diaper, no sir. And then today he did a major projectile vomit, which was something to watch for as a sign of further head-injury complications, so back to the ER we went. This time they had us out of there in 1.5 hours, much better than the three hours we spent last night. We'd hardly sat down when they called our name this time, and then when we went back to the waiting room to, uh, wait for a room, they called us within one minute. To mitigate the bitterness that immediately pervaded the atmosphere, I announced, “Don't be too jealous, we were here last night, too.” The laughter from the other wait-ers broke the tension.

The funny thing is, baby has been super healthy from pretty much Day One, knock wood, and then this weekend while baby and I were out of town for a wedding in Bethesda (Congratulations, Sean and Kristen!), he ran a 103.1 fever Friday night, then got hives on Sunday, and when we got home was when he fell out of his crib. Monstro missed most of the fun as he had to stay home, but I did keep him in the loop by calling him at 3 a.m. Saturday morning for the UMass urgent care line. No, I have not developed Munchausen's by Proxy. Though after reading this, if you'd like to pass a little sympathy for my baby my way, I wouldn't mind. Honest.

Does this guy give alcoholic homosexuals a bad name or what???

Remember how I posted a few posts ago how Rhythmball was featured on “The Amazing Race” and “I could not be more excited”? Yeah, well, last week I sent out 35 press releases, followed by 35 Rhythmball informational DVDs on Saturday, and had just been sitting back waiting when I got an e-mail yesterday from one of my targeted recipients. A recipient who writes for one of the most widely distributed print-media outlets in the whole nation. He watched the DVD and is “enthralled.” His word, not mine. So if y'all could please cross your fingers that he writes about us, I would appreciate it. And in return, I will invite every one of you to my Retiring-at-35 party. OK? OK.

Baby has learned how to clap, and has turned it into a fun communication game. He starts to clap, see, and then Monstro and I clap with him and say “yay!” until he stops clapping, and then we stop clapping. And then he starts again, and we resume the game. It's really fun.

And he's also been shrieking, which is not such fun, but I'm trying to look on the bright side.

So tonight, he cried and hollered and cried when we put him to bed. Monstro decided we should try to feed him, and he sucked down a pint of formula and then he was pretty happy. I put baby into pajamas, and, with the help of blankie and the red paper lanterns and Rascal the lamb, into bed.

He made intermittent happy-baby noises for about 20 minutes, and then I went into his nursery to turn off the lanterns. His feet were at the head of the crib and his head was in the middle. Hearing me enter, he turned his head sideways, gave me a slow, sleepy smile, and clapped.

Tai Chi Rhythmball was featured as the “Leisure Detour” on last night's season premeire of the Emmy-award winning reality show “The Amazing Race.” I could not be more excited!!!!